Relationship Crossroads

I have been at a bit of a crossroads trying to decide whether or not to write about a current event of the past week.  I don't really follow much of what is occurring in the lives of celebrities because more often than not I tend to get really frustrated by what I hear happening.  Whether it is movie stars, athletes, or the famous because I'm rich crowd; it seems like the common trend is to live in a state that appears completely devoid of moral conviction.  I have my favorites celebrities and I am always sorely disappointed when one of my favorites does something that I can't support. Many of this group do amazing work with a variety of charity organizations and give a lot of their own time and money to support numerous causes.  For all of that I am really grateful that they are willing to give so much of themselves and to use their station in life for the advancement of others.  Whatever their reason or motives it is simply a wonderful thing.

If you haven't guessed by now, the event that sparked this blog was the announcement of the divorce of celebrity Kim Kardashian.  Like most of the population, I am saddened to hear that their marriage only lasted 72 days.  Not because I am an avid follower of the show or their lives, but simply because it is always sad when any relationship ends.  Whether it is a relationship written like a fairy-tale or a relationship that ends tragically, it is always sad when people suffer.  People have spent a lot of time talking about how short a 72 day marriage is and there are a lot of opinions being blasted at the Kim and Kris. They got married too quickly!! They didn't know each other well enough.  They didn't give it enough time!!  The media is eating it up.  Interviewing people, asking questions like "should she give the ring back?" "did she have the wedding for publicity?" and "did she get married to make a profit?"  And people who don't personally know either Kim or Kris are eager to weigh in.  Whatever the reasoning for the end of the marriage, I hope that it isn't for the simple reason of the marriage not living up to expectation or hype.  Because as anyone who has been married can tell you, it is never just like you expected.  Sometimes it is more challenging then you ever could have imagined, and other times you are amazed at how truly blessed you are by the person you are so lucky to spend the rest of your life with.

Over the past couple of years, one thing I have struggled with a lot is the carefree approach to relationships that seems to be so apparent in today's society.  Relationships with other people are very important things.  Whether it is a colleague, classmate, neighbor, or social acquaintance, the people we meet and engage with in our lives leave impressions on us and in exchange we leave impressions on them.  It might be someone we bump in to at the grocery store or encounter on a street corner.  The other day I was walking my dog and a man was stopped starring at the sky.  He turned to me and pointed at what he was watching.  "Red tailed hawks!!!" he said with a smile.  I glanced up, smiled and said, "that's incredible!!"  I kept on walking, but that brief encounter with a man I don't know and will likely never see again, left an impression.  As I continued on my walk I wondered how many other people had stopped that day to watch birds flying in the air.  To enjoy the beauty of their acrobatic flight and appreciate nature in the midst of the congested city.

But whatever the justification is for the marriage ending, I would first turn to asking...why did they get married in the first place?  I understand what is like to fall head over heals in love with a man and eagerly anticipating the future together.  Quickly moving to a place in the relationship where you begin to make lifelong plans together and you can't wait for those plans to be lived out.  My own marriage began in much the same way.  But the thing that made our relationship so possible is that even in just the short amount of time we were together before we got married (we were married 10 months after we started dating), was the realization that the relationship wasn't founded on romantic gestures and a showering of gifts.  In fact we barely even went on dates.  We actually did most of our dating long distance.  Instead of going to the movies and watching other people living their lives in front of us, we talked about what we desired for our futures, our hopes and dreams, we learned about each other.  That isn't to say the relationship was without romance, it's just that the romance was deep and extremely sincere. And that is what it should be all about.  Dating is the fun, carefree time to get to know another person and determine whether there is compatibility.  But at a certain point in the relationship, you have to sit down and examine the reality of things.  Some might say our courtship went a little extreme, but some of the best conversations we had came from questions we found in the marriage preparation material we got from the church I had been attending.  Starting with asking what are your career goals, family goals, and lifestyle goals.  The questions started going into very specific detail.  We talked about the emphasis we placed on athletics and extracurricular activities, education (home school, public, or private) and even how we would encourage our children as they pursued post-secondary education.  It moved into conversations about spending habits and what things we might someday wish to own.  We also explored how we would like to be engaged with the church, our community, and our family.  Some would say that it was over the top and that we can't control all of these aspects of our lives and we realize that is very true, but at least we know if we are on the same page or not.  There will still be a lot of things I have to learn about my husband during the course of our marriage, but there are a lot of things that I knew early enough in the process that I know the general framework of our marriage.  I wonder if Kim and Kris had similar conversations?

To be fair I don't watch the show about the Kardashians or follow what has been happening in their lives.  And even if I did, it really isn't my place to speculate.  But I am concerned about the message that is being sent about the lack of respect and posterity regarding marriage.  The degree of commitment that goes in to making that decision about another person and the understanding that when two become one in the bonds of matrimony you can no longer selfishly think only about your own needs.  Sometimes you will need to compromise and other times your spouse will need to compromise.  The decision to marry someone is actually pretty easy compared to choosing to remain married.  I think a lot of it has to do with the disconnect we have with what it takes to be married.  Once we are married we profess to the world that we are in the relationship for the long haul, but when the fairy-tale becomes reality...it takes more than just saying that you commit, the stage is set and the curtain has been pulled up.  No matter what tragedy prevails during the upcoming acts...the play MUST go on.  But if people think the stressful part was planning the wedding, they have no idea just how stressful a divorce can be.  Even if the relationship ends early like that of Kim and Kris, the emotional stress that one experiences can be overwhelming at times.  When you plan a wedding, the world will not end if you pick the wrong color napkin to go with the tablecloth or if the centerpieces aren't just quite right.  And to be honest the world won't end when a marriage ends, but the dreams of that world take a major shift and at least for a while the world does feel like it "ended." Divorce is certainly not for the weak and it is certainly not the easy road.  Divorce forces you to question a lot of things about yourself and to really examine every aspect of your life.  You may not want to and you may even fight it, but eventually things come to the surface whether you like it or not. 

When I hear about any relationship ending, my heart aches for the people involved.  Starting of course with couple and theirs kids (if any), but also the parents, siblings and friends of the divorcing couple.  All these different relationship will in some way change forever.  I definitely want to encourage people to not give up too easily on a relationship, but also to know that when everything has been tried and nothing has worked, that sometimes divorce really is the only option.  But I truly hope that more people will begin to really examine relationships before they enter in to marriage.  It certainly isn't a fail safe, but it definitely helps (especially with relationships that end so quickly).  I wish that no one ever had to experience going through divorce, not because it wasn't an option, but instead because it wasn't necessary.  If we put real care and consideration in to whom we marry and really examine the relationship, then maybe fewer of us will have to experience divorce.  The challenge is getting BOTH members of the relationship to honestly examine themselves and share deeply with the other person.  It's hard to say though, because there are certainly relationships out there where both people put in a lot of effort at the start of the relationship, but somewhere along the way, one person in the relationship starts to always put their own needs ahead of the other persons and then when the relationship gets in the way of those needs, the selfish tendency is to walk away and do what will be most pleasing.  The question is...will it really be worth it in the end?  To walk away from your commitments?  The Christian faith will tell you to fight for your marriage and to pray for the relationship.  That God can do amazing things in relationships that are on the brink of divorce.  While I believe that is excellent advice and there there are certainly some incredible stories out there that have turned out well in the end.  I've also seen many of my friends going through this experience and at a certain point we break and the human side of us can't handle it any more.  Making that decision is devastating and heartbreaking enough without the added problem of outsiders voicing their opinion.  So if you know someone personally who has gone through divorce, please try not to judge them.  It is a painful process to go through and even if you've gone through it yourself, each experience is different.  We all deal with it in different ways.  Try to be supportive of them even if you don't agree with their decisions.  Everyone is their own toughest critic, but when others judge you as well, that only adds to your personal criticism of self.  And instead of putting so much effort in to tell Kim and Kris how to manage their relationship, let's instead focus on what we can do in our own relationships to help marriages grow stronger.